Part I 

I know all branches of the service require separations at times. However, because I was a Navy Brat who married a Navy guy… I always think of it as the “Needs of the Navy”. I remember my mom being sad at times, especially when Dad would be gone (Vietnam era), and when I would ask why, she would say something like… “You will understand when you are married”. Well, I kind of, understood then, Dad was gone, Santa wasn’t there for Christmas and how could Dad miss his birthday or mine again this year? It would be a tiny sting in my heart, but I would remember when he got back how we would have Thanksgiving, more Christmas, and extra birthdays on that following week.

(photo from http://flickr.com/photos/yourlocaldave/67628096/)

He usually got some time off and we would play “hookie” from school, just to spend a few days with him. He was a totally present father, when he was home he would seek us out and take us fishing, sailing, skiing, or just out to eat. He was a southern gentleman and would tell us stories of his own growing up, and teach us how “young ladies and gentlemen” should act. He had a lot of class! I think my mom was a pretty good example of how to deal with it. I remember her volunteering for the Red Cross, being involved in the local club, on the decorating committee at church, and just going out with other wives to stay busy and engaged with life. She had two girls to rear and kept the finances balanced. Those sad times were not too often, but they did come and she didn’t hide them from us. She found ways to cope.

Part II

Then I got married to a Navy guy. I thought I was pretty prepared for the separations to come, I did have my ups and downs, and the downs were more than I expected. I also was not prepared to be so mad at him personally for being gone. In my view, he got to go have adventures while I was “stuck” at home with the messes and kid. Especially during our first separation, I suffered. I had my share of “pity parties”, and then I got motivated.

I realized it was my attitude that needed changing most of all. I was married to this guy who would be going off, and I needed to deal with it. I joined the wives’ club, took the phone list, and started doing my own thing. I invited everyone (especially those who were also geographically separated) to my house for pot lucks, (I hate to cook) and quite a crowd showed up. We began rotating houses for pot lucks and soon there were many girls’ nights to the movies and babysitting swaps. I volunteered at the local food bank. I took a quilting class. I went to jazzercise class. During other deployments, I took college classes, I started a sewing business. I went to work part time. Some others of my friends did other volunteer work, especially for the USO and Navy Relief.

There were many times we were separated over special occasions and an anniversary (or several). Besides the obvious sending cards, flowers, or (no emails during my day) making phone calls…. here are a few ideas I have heard of and a few I have actually used. It is a good time to get yourself motivated again, to be the best you can be, and make the time apart productive. Each of us knows what sort of fun will make us happy: either a nice quiet day with friends at the coffee shop, a hike on the local trail, or drinks and a movie with a few of the girls. Don’t feel you have failed if you find yourself at a pity party or two. We ARE human.

In no particular order…..

1. If they are near you …get together with your wedding party, or those who were with you on that day. Have a little dinner party, if you can.
2. Take today to plan a special romantic outing for the two of you when you are reunited, (a few days or a week after he gets back) a weekend at a bed and breakfast or even a simple camping trip to the local state park… Actually make reservations and call those who could watch the kids (I did this one and it was fantastic!)
3. Work on a scrapbook page or two of all the fun things and adventures you have had together…. or a “look how far we have come.” Something to pass down and share with the in-laws.
4. Volunteer at a battered women’s shelter, or get involved with other volunteer opportunities in your community such as USO or Navy relief society. Volunteer at Church or Chapel, they need good VBS helpers in the summer, and the choir could use another alto.
5. Call up other wives who are also separated now and start a “girls night out”. Twice a month works great. (I did this and we had pot lucks at each others houses… nearly free and little or no cooking for me!)
6. If you live near your parents, and they are happily married, take them out for dinner and celebrate their good marriage, talk to them about how they have made it work. (Mine were married for 35 years before he passed, he was career Navy)
7. Visit that Museum or park you have been wanting to and haven’t found the time yet, make sure to formulate a plan to return with him when he is back.
8. Join a bridge club or bowling league, if that’s your sort of thing.

Whatever you decide to do, try not to dwell on negative thoughts. Focus on the future and remember how proud you are of him and his choices. Hey! We are not dependent just because that is what the Navy calls us; we are independent and strong. Be proud of yourself for your own sacrifices for your country. I am proud of you for remaining steadfastly loyal during a difficult time, it can be done and it can be a positive, growth producing, maturing process. You will be glad if you make the time productive and as fun as you possibly can. He will really appreciate knowing you can handle the stresses of military life, and will be excited to return to an independent, strong, and reliable woman.

Some other reading on the subject:

• http://www.amazon.com/Military-Spouse-Finance-Guide-Financial/dp/0595477771/ref=sr_1_8?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1213134308&sr=1-
• http://resourcecenter.militaryministry.org/products/hope-for-the-home-front
• http://www.amazon.com/Homefront-Club-Hardheaded-Raising-Military/dp/1591142288/ref=sr_1_6?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1213134135&sr=1-6
• http://www.amazon.com/While-Theyre-At-War-Homefront/dp/0618773452/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1213134135&sr=1-4

Other web resources:

• http://www.militaryhomefront.dod.mil
• http://www.operationhomefront.net
• http://www.milspouse.com
• http://www.cinchouse.com
• http://www.militarysos.com